psalm 13

the other day i sat down with my bible and decided to read some psalms. the only thing i knew about psalms before i read them was that they were songs of praise to God, and i was feeling especially in need of guidance as to how to praise God. my depression has been waxing and waning, and Heavenly Father, like the sun behind the clouds, has been peeking at me, it seems, through the fog of it.

anyhow, i read a few psalms and then got to this one, psalm 13:

"How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me."

what really struck me was the first line. my bible has no indications about this psalm, but i have to assume it is David who is saying it. but the, "how long wilt thou forget me, lord?" was eye-opening, as that was what i was feeling at that time. thinking, why do i feel farthest from god when i am depressed, when bad things are happening? i thought desperately about the "footprints" poem, and tried to imagine God carrying me through my trials.

the rest of it deals with feeling oppressed in a world that seems built on the backs of the wicked. i notice that David doesn't seem to be blaming his OWN problems on the "wicked", but rather sees them plainly for who they are, and puts his faith in God. but in his psalms, he asks God, "where are you? why are you letting this happen to me? why don't you help?"

and then by the end of the psalm, his faith is reaffirmed in God, that proof of God's love of him has already been proven.

next time i come across one of these depressions, or any of my daily obstacles, i will think back to the examples of God's love that have been given me.

the lord giveth, the lord taketh away

the past few days have been extremely good. so good that i was nervous. i got the job i wanted. my fiance got his job. we got a completely unexpected check in the mail for almost $400. god is good! god is great! it is easy to pray when things are going good. but somewhere in my mind i remembered that a streak of good luck is usually followed by something bad to teach us sacrifice, humility, those things. so i didn't know what to expect.

well, it came yesterday. i chanced to glance at the notebook where my fiance writes and saw something that astounded me. i told him that i saw it. he said it was okay, he wasn't bothered. but it really messed me up. it basically said that if he were to follow his natural inclinations, he would rarely make love to me at all. it wasn't personal- he would rarely make love to any girl. but still, this was a tremendous blow. we've had issues with this for a while, but i never knew it was specifically for this reason. i left the house and went for a drive. i just lost it. i didn't know what i was going to do.

so, i prayed. it felt strange at first. one of my major issues when trying to pray is that i seem to refuse to pray when i'm having a hard time. i realized why- because i feel i don't deserve to pray, that i don't deserve support from God. i felt silly praying to God about something so trivial- and i asked, how in the world is God going to help me with this? then i realized that it's not my place to ask HOW He is going to help me. God can do anything. and most of his solutions to this issue are probably way out of my comprehension. after all, i'm not omnipotent.

today i feel a little better. the fiance and i got in a tremendous argument about it last night. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i feel stronger. i know God can help. i have to "let go and let God". but that's hard.

learning

three days ago i asked my friend patricia for a book of mormon, in the interest of taking it home and giving it to my academically interested fiancé. it hasn't made it to him yet. i am reading it at night before bed. it smells like the woodsmoke smell from her house.

tuesday night was the first time i prayed in i don't know how long. i grew up with one christianity or another, but my family wasn't religious and i've bounced all over the place. i've been wiccan and studied buddhism and judaism. in high school, mainly for shock value, i was loudly "nonchristian". for the past few years i have been decidedly without religion and have attended church a few times, but never felt a tug in the correct direction.

i have always admired patricia for her security in her faith, but until recently didn't know anything about the LDS church until my fiancé and i watched a documentary about it and its history. i'm hesitant to say anything at this point, because i know that because of my depression i can have highs and lows of passion about things (especially religion)- but i think i am ready to follow Christ again.

i created this blog so that i can catalog my feelings and experiences learning about christianity, and also my knitting and crochet projects. :) to be honest, i've never felt the influence of the holy ghost the way i am these days. i'm smiling a lot. and if that is not His influence then i am not sure whose it is.

here's what i'm working on right now:

this is the popsicle scarf, a free pattern from shifting stitches. i have all this beautiful cascade yarn and wasn't sure what to do with it (i have that problem with nice yarn!) so i settled on a scarf pattern, and this one is pretty easy. i am notorious for not finishing projects, so let's hope this will see it through. i have promised myself more yarn once i finish. so we'll see.

god bless.