Sunday, May 23, 2010

the lord giveth, the lord taketh away

the past few days have been extremely good. so good that i was nervous. i got the job i wanted. my fiance got his job. we got a completely unexpected check in the mail for almost $400. god is good! god is great! it is easy to pray when things are going good. but somewhere in my mind i remembered that a streak of good luck is usually followed by something bad to teach us sacrifice, humility, those things. so i didn't know what to expect.

well, it came yesterday. i chanced to glance at the notebook where my fiance writes and saw something that astounded me. i told him that i saw it. he said it was okay, he wasn't bothered. but it really messed me up. it basically said that if he were to follow his natural inclinations, he would rarely make love to me at all. it wasn't personal- he would rarely make love to any girl. but still, this was a tremendous blow. we've had issues with this for a while, but i never knew it was specifically for this reason. i left the house and went for a drive. i just lost it. i didn't know what i was going to do.

so, i prayed. it felt strange at first. one of my major issues when trying to pray is that i seem to refuse to pray when i'm having a hard time. i realized why- because i feel i don't deserve to pray, that i don't deserve support from God. i felt silly praying to God about something so trivial- and i asked, how in the world is God going to help me with this? then i realized that it's not my place to ask HOW He is going to help me. God can do anything. and most of his solutions to this issue are probably way out of my comprehension. after all, i'm not omnipotent.

today i feel a little better. the fiance and i got in a tremendous argument about it last night. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i feel stronger. i know God can help. i have to "let go and let God". but that's hard.

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